Things I never thought I would say.

Being a parent, (yeah, sorry, deal with it) there are certain phrases that I knew would come into play. You know the ones I am talking about. "Stop crying, or I'll give you something real to cry about," Were you born in a barn," and my personal favorite "There are kids in China that would love to have what you are having for dinner." I am pretty sure that was my favorite because it was never directed at me or my oldest brother, just my sister and middle brother. Those silly bastards wouldn't eat anything.

Regardless, my point is, I find myself saying things that should never have to come out of a human adult under any circumstance. I shall now, to vent my frustration and share what is my life with you, tell you some of these things. I can assure you these are 100% percent real, having said all of them. I apologize in advance.

1. Stop picking your nose!

2. Stop shaking your booty at me and put your underwear on.

3. Who pooped on the seat?

4. Get your toothbrush out of your ear.

5. Get your toothbrush out of the dogs ear.

6. Who peed on the floor?

7. Don't forget to wipe your butt, please.

8. No, I don't think Dora and Diego want to see your butt.

9. Get your finger out of your nose, or I break out the hot sauce!!

10. Quit hitting your brother with your ham.

11. No, I don't want a poop sandwich.

12. Put the snake down. Outside the front door.

13. Yes, the hallway floor outside my bedroom covered in Legos is a great way to get rid of burglars. I just wish you would have told me about it last night. No, I am sure my feet will heal in a few days. Sorry Mommy used a few bad words. Please don't repeat them. Ever.

14. Where did you hear that word??!?!

15. What did you put up your nose?

16. What did you put in your ear?

17. Get your flipping finger out of your nose before I cut it off!!! (Not really a proud parenting moment for me. Of course, the reply was, "My nose or my finger?" My kids know not to take me too seriously)

18. No, I don't know why she is (missing a hand, in a wheelchair, short, weird looking, smells funny, insert every embarrassing thing your kid can think to say loudly in Target here. Maybe I should go to a different Target).

19. This one is me trying with some great difficulty trying not to laugh as I chastise my daughter for inserting the word "poop" in the Star Spangled Banner. "Oh, say can you poop, by the poops early light. What so proudly we pooped," it was here that I stopped her and somehow managed to tell her that is not right, then went to the bathroom and laughed for about a half an hour. She may have issues.

20. Put the sword down and go to bed. Yes, I know there are bears under your bed. I did spray the bear repellant, though, so they should be gone by now. What do you mean, you lost the magic spoon? I doubt the bears took it. No, it was supposed to KEEP the witches away. That is why it is a magic spoon.

Jealous? I thought so.